Facebook Laws

1. If you’ve tagged more pictures of yourself than other people have tagged you, you’re a narcissistic douchebag. “But I have an excuse!” you say? I don’t care to listen to the desperate pleas of a narcissist. I’d rather chop off my ear and throw it in a wood chipper.

2. If you met someone one time and only learned their name, don’t friend them. They’re not your friend. They’re your random acquaintance. If you only learned their first name and had to learn their last name through extensive research (i.e. stalking), this goes double.

3. The “About Me” line isn’t an essay question. It’s not a place to post your epic memoirs detailing your every insignificant trait and/or moment of life (“In 1993, I bought a pair of pink shoes. Later I drank a coke and I didn’t like it because it was flat. And then I killed myself because I’m so goddamn boring.”, etc.).

And God help you if you put in a poem here—“My pale luminescence / Outshines the brightest stars / In the shadowy caverns of my soul”. That distant humming is the sound of my bloodcurdling scream of fury over your shitty poem.

4. Photoshopping is unacceptable for a number of reasons, chief among them being the bizarre lengths to which it’s abused. I believe you posed for the camera in a white dress. I don’t believe you posed for the camera in a white dress in a wonderland of falling snowflakes with perfect make up and hair while rays of glittering light blaze outward from your radiant visage.

5. Do not create a group simply for the sake of creating a group. Groups like “I love naps” and “People who think thoughts about thinking,” are worthless and superfluous.

6. If you’ve created a reasonably decent group like “DEATHMETAL LOVERS” or some shit, do not invite everyone on your friends list. My inbox gets clogged with group invitations from people who want me to join their group “Kids from Corpus Christi” or “Plano West Students”.

I am not from Corpus Christi. I did not go to Plano West. See, what you have done is waste precious seconds of my time by forcing me to read your group and then decline joining it. These are seconds of my life I will never get back, seconds that I could have spent: eating ice cream, volunteering to feed the homeless, or writing a list of arbitrary rules for websites.

7. If you need to cry about your loneliness and depression, that’s what Xanga is for, not facebook notes. “I had a bad day today! I stepped in some dog poop and it smelled gross! I just wanted to bring this to your attention!”

8. Facebook notes are to be used sparingly, not daily. If you’re writing notes everyday, that’s what we call a blog. This is not so much a rule as a bit of advice so you don’t look like the attention whore which, if you actually needed this advice, you probably are.

9. It’s great to wish people a happy birthday over Facebook. If they’re your close friends, and that’s all you do that’s not great. That’s being an asshole.

10. Fun Fact: Everyone can see what you post on someone’s wall. For some people this is a hard lesson to learn—when to post to the wall and when to message someone. Here’s a few examples to help demonstrate:

1. “Hey! What have you been up to lately!” Answer: WALL
2. “I think your boyfriend may be cheating on you.” Answer: MESSAGE
3. “I fucked your sister!” Answer: VARIES

11. Do not poke anyone at anytime ever. This feature was added to Facebook by some rogue maniac programmer and its use leads to nothing less than utter futility. By poking someone, the only way that person can respond is by poking back, thus beginning an endless and horrifying cycle akin to the man in hell who must roll a rock up and down a hill for eternity.

If you poke anyone, you are a shitfucker. Why? Because you fuck shit, asshole.

12. Do not have more than one person of the same sex in your profile picture. It creates a mystery that will confuse and confound others. This goes double for profile pictures where the other person is hot. It will make you look maybe not so hot.

13. Do not decline a friend request if you ever expect to see that person again. If at all possible, don’t do it ever.

14. Do not put “whatever I can get” under what you’re “interested in”. It’s just sad.